Monday, August 29, 2011

Jerry, Bob, and the Portal: The Continuing Saga of the Coffin in My Dining Room

It's kinda hard to believe that I'm making friends with the Jerry, the coffin in my dining room. The more we sit and talk, the more I discover what an interesting guy he really is. Sure, he's made of wood and normally filled with Living Dead Dolls, but sometimes they scatter and something else fills his wooden interior. It just so happens that Jerry was telling me about one incident where he and Bob, the Halloween mechanical butler behind our television set, got involved with. Here is what happen....

Jerry was having an okay day. The Living Dead Dolls were finally getting along and, after eating the deliveryman from the week before, their appetite for human flesh was satisfied. At least for now. They had scattered from their mini coffins. One of them sat on top of him pretending to ride him like a horse. He didn't mind because it was always nice to have company.

"What in the hell is going on?"

Jerry glanced over and saw Bob, the butler, standing in the dining room. His top hat was askew and his skin a darker share of green than it normally was. His black jacket was dusty from neglect, but Jerry had heard the owner complain that Bob wasn't a very good butler anyway because the bookshelves never got dusted.

"Nothing is going on." Jerry said. "The Dolls are just having fun."

"You always have all the fun," Bob grumbled.

Jerry was going to answer him when he felt his wooden walls shaking. There was a cold heat growing in the center of his interior. The LLD on top of him hissed and jumped down to the floor. It backed against the purple dining room wall with the others all brandishing weapons. Jerry felt like he was going to explode. He was getting fuller and fuller. He was trapped and couldn't move.

"What is it? What's happening to me?" he cried to Bob.

Bob stepped forward, drawn closer. "There's a swirling blue light coming from inside of you, Jerry. What  is going on now?"

"I don't know. Make it stop. Close my lid. Close my lid."

But Bob remained where he was, an evil grin appearing on his face. Poor Jerry was panicking and couldn't see what was happening in his interior. It just felt like he was being froze and that his insides were being scooped out with a steak knife poking at him one small splinter at a time. The LDDs had dropped their weapons and were now slowly advancing on him. Before Jerry could warn them, a deep male voice bellowed from his insides.

"I am Hermak. All must bow before me or meet their doom!"

Bob shook his head. "Nice trick, Jerry. Now shut your lid and quit clowning around."

"This isn't a joke, Bob. I'd do what it says or else."

"Or else what?"

A large white hand shot through Jerry's middle, grabbed Bob around the waist, and pulled him through the portal that had appeared in Jerry's wooden interior. Jerry still couldn't move and wondered where the portal went and if Bob was going to be okay. The butler might have been an ass sometimes, but he was a friend. Before Jerry could do anything else, he felt another rumbling deep inside him. Filled with fright, he fainted as gracefully as coffins do and leaned against the wall...

So that was all I was able to get out of Jerry this week. His poor hinges were chattering while he told me. Bob is still missing and the Living Dead Dolls are acting peculiar, but that's nothing new.

Jerry wanted me to tell you that he is playing with twitter to see what it is all about. He just hopes that the bird doesn't peck away at him. If you want to follow him please do @jerrythecoffin.  Please bear with him since he doesn't have hands it takes him a while.

Stay tuned next week to see if Bob returns and where the portal leads.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Jerry and the Delivery Man: The Continuing Saga of the Coffin in My Dining Room

Strangely enough, the coffin in my dining room has become something of a character in my mind. I'm not one to give life to many inanimate objects, but hey why not. So here is the continuing saga of the coffin in my dining room. He has become quite comfortable in imparting his stories to me of what happens in the house while I'm not around. So if you're in for an adventure, please read on.

Jerry, the name my coffin has taken to calling himself these days, I think he's heard one too many trailers for the new Fright Night movie myself, stands alone in the dining room longing to have company. Even with the addition of a new Living Dead Doll, he wasn't happy with this arrangement. Evidently the new doll isn't getting along with the other dolls. Jerry assumes it has something to do with her green skin, but the other dolls aren't talking to him either. So this makes him lonely.

One day while the owners of the house were out and he was left staring at the border collie/lab mix trying to tell her to sit, someone knocked on the door. He jumped sending the mini-coffins inside of him flying across the room until they hit the wall. The sudden shrieks of the plastic dolls didn't faze him. Instead, he thumped through the dining room and into the living room. He heard the voice of someone on the other side of the front door, and prayed that person would come in.

The dogs barked around him probably frightening whoever was on the other side of the door. Praying with all his might to be able to open the door, somehow the gods of wood heard his prayer and the door swung open. Jerry backed away from the door and let the delivery man into the house.

The human looked familiar but he wasn't sure where he had seen him before. Maybe the owner of the house had had him inside the dining room before. He was carrying a box holding something, books, Jerry assumed for the owner of the house.

"Hello. Anyone home?" the delivery man called.

The dogs had continued to bark, but Jerry was blocking their way. The human grew paler by the second because he realized that no one was inside the house. Jerry leaned forward and his door swung open.

"Helloo....." Jerry's voice came from inside. He'd been holding his breath for so long he wasn't sure that he would be able to talk any

"I have a package for you."

Jerry tried to talk again, but nothing else came from the bowels of his interior. Angry and saddened by this he tried desperately to communicate again with the delivery man. When he moved, the human jumped and dropped his package.

"What the hell is going on?" he asked.

Jerry's door opened wider, inviting the delivery man to come into the confines of his hardwood interior. A scream let loose from them man's lips and he fell back against the wall hard. A splotch of red marred the beige paint of the living room walls and the delivery man began to slip down the wall. Jerry was disappointed. He hadn't wanted to scare the poor man to death. He just wanted some company. The dogs sniffed the now dead man and then backed away as the Living Dead Dolls marched into the room being called by the scent of fresh blood.

Those blood thirsty cretins can't have him yet. I have to show the owner of the house that I was good and that she had a package. At least until then, the body will be preserved. Jerry surrounded the delivery man and blocked his body from the dolls.

They stared at him. "Hungry."

"No eating. Not until the owner returns. Help me get him inside of me." Jerry told the dolls.

The dolls cried out, but they didn't argue with him because he provided them shelter and a warm place to sleep where they were all together. Jerry wobbled back into the dining room and resumed his place against the wall. The Living Dead Dolls carried the body and propped him up inside Jerry's wooden walls. They even set the package in his hands again. Jerry felt a deep sense of satisfaction for having a body inside of him because that was what he had been constructed for.

Content for now, he drifted off into a light sleep. Soon the was roused from his slumber by the barking dogs. Wooden floor boards creaked. The owner of the house was home. Knowing she would be proud of him, he yawned open his door to show her the surprise inside. A scream filled the room.

Jerry knew she would come around soon and be pleased he had preserved the delivery man. Besides, it wasn't like she had to get rid of the body. The dolls would do that for her.

Tune in next week to see what hi jinx Jerry gets himself into.

Monday, August 15, 2011

The beginning life of the coffin in my dining room

It occurred to me that I have a coffin in my dining room. It's been there for a few months now gathering dust and looking pretty while being filled with my Living Dead Dolls. But there are so many uses for it. So I figured I'll share a few of those ideas and see where they lead me. I mean how many people can boast they have an actual coffin in their dining room? It's nothing elaborate, a six foot, black painted pieces of wood that were going to be either thrown out or chopped into firewood if we didn't take it.

The poor coffin would have been lonely if we hadn't taken it into our house and given it a home. I admire it every day. My husband even agreed that it should be a permanent part of the decor. While it lay on the floor for a few weeks waiting to get its finally purpose out of its coffin life, it was filled with old Halloween decorations crying out for their owner to reclaim them. Once that happened, it was left parked in the middle of dining room,longing for the days when someone would pop out of it again and scare little children, doing the purpose for which it was built. Oh where was the warm body who filled its wooden walls? Where were the terrified screams of those who walked by it during the frightful night? The house it now lived in was quiet and filled only with the sound of barking dogs.

The poor coffin longed for its heyday. The new owner finally sat it on its right end and creaked open the door so its intimate interiors was exposed to all the world. Soon the owner stocked it with smaller coffins that plastic dolls laid in. Those dolls whispered within their own darkened death boxes and they wanted to be released from their prisons.

For months, those dolls plotted their revenge. They murmured their plan to the coffin, asking it to keep it quiet. The coffin wasn't going to tell because it yearned for the same thing. Freedom. The coffin watched one night as the dolls slowly pushed the plastic covers from their coffins and jumped from within its wooden walls. The owner was home alone while her husband worked. The dolls' plastic joints groaned in the night while they advanced on the sleeping woman. The dogs didn't awake, but the woman's screams filled the house as the dolls enacted their dastardly plan. One of them wandered back into the dining room with a bloody mouth, carrying the woman's big toe. The Living Dead zombie doll smiled, showing it's bloody teeth. It pulled the nail from the toe and then laid it at the bottom of the coffin as an offering. The coffin opened its door a little wider, satisfied that it was finally being taken care of.

Tune in next week to see what else happens to the coffin in my dining room.