It's kinda hard to believe that I'm making friends with the Jerry, the coffin in my dining room. The more we sit and talk, the more I discover what an interesting guy he really is. Sure, he's made of wood and normally filled with Living Dead Dolls, but sometimes they scatter and something else fills his wooden interior. It just so happens that Jerry was telling me about one incident where he and Bob, the Halloween mechanical butler behind our television set, got involved with. Here is what happen....
"What in the hell is going on?"
Jerry glanced over and saw Bob, the butler, standing in the dining room. His top hat was askew and his skin a darker share of green than it normally was. His black jacket was dusty from neglect, but Jerry had heard the owner complain that Bob wasn't a very good butler anyway because the bookshelves never got dusted.
"Nothing is going on." Jerry said. "The Dolls are just having fun."
"You always have all the fun," Bob grumbled.
Jerry was going to answer him when he felt his wooden walls shaking. There was a cold heat growing in the center of his interior. The LLD on top of him hissed and jumped down to the floor. It backed against the purple dining room wall with the others all brandishing weapons. Jerry felt like he was going to explode. He was getting fuller and fuller. He was trapped and couldn't move.
Bob stepped forward, drawn closer. "There's a swirling blue light coming from inside of you, Jerry. What is going on now?"
"I don't know. Make it stop. Close my lid. Close my lid."
But Bob remained where he was, an evil grin appearing on his face. Poor Jerry was panicking and couldn't see what was happening in his interior. It just felt like he was being froze and that his insides were being scooped out with a steak knife poking at him one small splinter at a time. The LDDs had dropped their weapons and were now slowly advancing on him. Before Jerry could warn them, a deep male voice bellowed from his insides.
"I am Hermak. All must bow before me or meet their doom!"
Bob shook his head. "Nice trick, Jerry. Now shut your lid and quit clowning around."
"This isn't a joke, Bob. I'd do what it says or else."
"Or else what?"
A large white hand shot through Jerry's middle, grabbed Bob around the waist, and pulled him through the portal that had appeared in Jerry's wooden interior. Jerry still couldn't move and wondered where the portal went and if Bob was going to be okay. The butler might have been an ass sometimes, but he was a friend. Before Jerry could do anything else, he felt another rumbling deep inside him. Filled with fright, he fainted as gracefully as coffins do and leaned against the wall...
So that was all I was able to get out of Jerry this week. His poor hinges were chattering while he told me. Bob is still missing and the Living Dead Dolls are acting peculiar, but that's nothing new.
Jerry wanted me to tell you that he is playing with twitter to see what it is all about. He just hopes that the bird doesn't peck away at him. If you want to follow him please do @jerrythecoffin. Please bear with him since he doesn't have hands it takes him a while.
Stay tuned next week to see if Bob returns and where the portal leads.